The Horse, Ancestry & Anniversaries

I’ll admit it.. I haven’t been taking care of myself. .

In what is usually my favourite season a time when i’m usually at my happiest in my boots, jumpers and scarves, I had unknowingly fallen into a pattern of carelessness. I could feel it in every aspect of me, brain, body, skin.. I have been fighting the urge to hide and surrender to my vanity but a need to keep opening that door in my head and letting that nasty voice speak ugly things to me was becoming too regular a thing.

The past few months I have wanted to wander in my community with a bag over my head.

I’ve been busy but not in my favourite way.

Finding consistant income in three different jobs, Parenting and the pressures we all feel in the state of the world. That fast feeling of groundhog day with no creative energy insight surrounded by half finished projects and the beginnings of now forgotten ideas.

I was a tired I didn’t know I could be. not sad. Tired. not Depressed. Tired.

First The Horse..

While Walking the Warburton rail trail (an attempt and giving myself healthy achieveble daily goals to get myself back on track) I crossed the road to the two most relaxed, friendly horses, (honestly, never seen horses lying down so much) I couldn’t help myself in calling them over I wanted company that wasn’t human - I would have been happy to just smell their dusty fur but the first horse was happy with a scratch behind the ear. The Second, sleek and black was more wary, it kept its distance, watching me interact with its paddock companion. I stood, leaning on the fence for sometime wondering why I didn’t do this everyday?! Looking up at the view, listening to birds sing. Proper peace. Breathing just for me.. Only then did this beautiful black creature make its way to me, slowly calmly, face first, staring with its big beautiful eyes slow blinking and giving me everything I needed to keep going with my day.

Nearing The Anniversary

Now Anniversaries are a funny thing and after a discussion about how our bodies remember trauma I have no doubt that difficult dates can be added to that list too. August 13th is a big one for our family, the day We lost Brian. Just like the weeks leading up to his death the weeks/days leading up to this anniversary come with the pain in the knowing another year has passed without him.

Since Brian died, signs are what connect us.. and I feel or see them often. Wonderful happenings usually in my car with a song on, goosebumps up my arm when singing and thinking of him. lately dreams, or in my children’s thoughts and words, or just in the small still moments where I feel so much gratitude for the life I have.

Ancestry

The weekend of Imbolc seemingly was breathing life to me in unexpected ways.. I don’t know why i’m always Surprised?! The Cards, the Seasons have been teaching me this since moving to the valley and I’m yet to learn to trust and surrender to it. A visit from my parents brought interesting conversations and a wee ancestral journey I didn’t expect to go on..

Now, I’ve written about this before, the feeling of home from the moment I entered this valley, the connection to land and the pull of a place. Well after some looking into my grandfather and his parents I only bloody found out they lived here! After a throw away comment from my father over a cup of tea and a biscuit “oh well, he was actually born in Warburton” “What do you mean, I thought you just said that your Grandad Worked here? not that you Dad was born here too?”

So naturally, I made an ancestry.com account and researched into my Australian side of the family and their comings and goings. A proper earth connection. My Great Grandparents Richard Thomas Williams & Beryl Gertrude Maude Clarke married In Wesburn 1935. Their Son, My Grandfather born the Same year in Warburton, Victoria.

One Week before my brothers anniversary I got a message - “Congratulations! You’ve won our Retreat giveaway. August 10th to 12th” two nights of breathing, eating and resting, drinking tea and being taken care of - Giving my mind and body time to restore itself. An incredible gift..

I’ve since thanked The Horse. The Black Horse at the front of the estate I had won a stay at on the week of my brothers anniversary. The Horse on the Estate below the mountains My Grandfather was born on, in the valley we call home.